Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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