I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
