i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I lost the right to judge tonight
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
