Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
