Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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