it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
