I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
