i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
