I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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