He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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