I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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