you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
