She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
