My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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