My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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