I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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