My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize