Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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