Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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