yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you like me you must not know who I am
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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