Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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