I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
