So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just forgot I was standing up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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