so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
