He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize