Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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