My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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