I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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