dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
