Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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