fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
