you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
