ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
