Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
