dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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