He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
