Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
