i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
