hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
