If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
