dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
