Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
