Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
