at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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