I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
