She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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