my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
