fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
