I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
