Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
