he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
