I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
