The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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