dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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