I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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